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Why do we always argue? How to avoid repetitive arguments in a relationship

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For many couples, arguments are a natural part of a relationship. You’re never going to agree on everything, and stressful moments can bring out arguments and fights.

While the occasional disagreement isn’t necessarily something to worry about, problems can occur when the same arguments get repeated over and over.

If you and your partner repeatedly argue about the same thing, you can find yourselves in a cycle that is hard to break. You may find that every disagreement you have comes back to the same underlying issue.

It doesn’t have to be this way forever, though. With the help of online couples therapy, you can learn better communication skills that can assist in uncovering the real issue, honestly and openly communicating it to your partner and break the cycle of repetitive arguments.

Here we will explore some of the ways in which you can stop arguments in your relationship.

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Identifying the reasons for your arguments

Often, there is something that triggers us to get into a defensive mode and start arguing. The first step in breaking free from a cycle of arguments is to identify these triggers.

It might be fairly easy to work out if you know that a particular topic always gets you worked up. For example, you may have recurring arguments about doing housework, money or intimacy.

You might also identify signs of triggers from the way you physically react to things that are said. You may experience feelings of anger or frustration following a conversation that could quickly cause you to snap and start an argument.

Tell your partner when you are triggered

When an argument trigger occurs, it is easy to lash out, but your partner may not be aware of why this is happening. It can make them defensive too and can only serve to make the argument worse.

Telling your partner that you are getting worked up by something can allow you to both step back and have a breather. It breaks you out of the immediate defensiveness and can stop an argument from happening.

It gives you a chance to cool down and begin to express your feelings in a calmer manner.

Couple sitting on couch while arguing

Keep on topic

Something that often happens with couples is bringing up past aggravations in a new argument. Perhaps it is an unresolved source of tension or resentment, but bringing up old sore points usually serves to hurt more than help.

Stay focussed on the topic you are currently discussing and avoid using historic arguments as a defensive tactic. By bringing up old wounds, you are forcing more distance between you in the argument, rather than working to a more constructive resolution.

Learning better communication techniques

It is important to work together on developing more effective communication techniques.

If how you try to express yourself often leads to arguments, then it can be very important to try and adapt the way conversations are structured.

You may find that you or your partner are not actively listening. This may involve a partner trying to butt into a conversation with an opinion or advice without allowing their partner to fully express themselves first.

This can be very frustrating and can make it feel like you’re not being listened to properly. Arguments can then spring from these feelings.

By learning to properly listen and communicate together in a way that is considerate to each other, you can begin to discuss more sensitive topics without immediately turning into an argument.

-> Learn to communicate better

Address what isn’t being said

Often, the thing you are arguing about isn’t the full story. There is likely to be an underlying issue that isn’t actually being addressed in the fight.

For example, repetitive arguments about housework might not literally be about the dishwasher, but instead about issues regarding one partner not feeling supported enough in the relationship. There could be issues of resentment that one partner has more free time or that they do not feel appreciated for the tasks they do.

By identifying these underlying problems, you can address the basis of the issue and begin to resolve the actual source of the arguments.

Allow for compromise

Sometimes relationships need compromises in order to bring an end to an argument with an outcome that is fair to both partners.

When you’re fighting with someone you love, you need to remove the idea that you need to be ‘right’ or ‘win’ an argument.

If that is the case, then your partner is likely to be left feeling upset, unsatisfied and feeling like they are not being listened to. This can trigger subsequent arguments, rather than cause the argument cycle to break.

Make room for your partner’s thoughts and feelings and try to seek a compromise you can both accept.

Couple embracing on couch

Seek counselling

Finding the path away from repetitive arguments can be challenging. It is particularly hard when you try to resolve arguments yourself without the right communication techniques.

Online couples counselling can be an excellent way to improve your relationship by introducing better ways of communicating your thoughts and feelings.

How Remainly can help

Here at Remainly, we offer online couples therapy through a series of videos and tasks to work through together. The aim is to improve your communication skills so that you can break free from a cycle of arguments and learn to express yourselves clearly to your partner.

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