Why do we always argue? How to avoid repetitive arguments in a relationship
Some couples find themselves trapped in a loop of repetitive arguments that never get resolved. We explore how you can stop such arguments in your relationship.
Relationships come in all shapes and sizes, and despite outside appearances, all of them will experience difficulty at one time or another. Many people believe that couples’ therapy is only for relationships in crises; however, this notion is not true. Most relationships can benefit from the lessons learnt during relationship counselling, from how to communicate better to spending quality time together.
At Remainly, much of our extensive online video library can help couples who simply want to care for, maintain or refresh their relationship. To find out more, we’ve had a chat with Remainly founder and leading expert in couple’s psychology, Andreas Løes Narum.
Firstly, it’s important to realise that there is nothing wrong with seeking help and it doesn’t mean that you are not with the right person or your relationship is ‘bad’. Andreas wants to normalise therapy for couples. He says “we maintain other areas of our lives, for example, we take our cars to be serviced or fix things when they are broken, and it should be the same for relationships.” He goes on to stress the importance of a healthy relationship “the most significant investment you will do in your life is investing in your partner.”
If the thought of couples therapy seems a little daunting to you, Andreas makes it very simple. “You learn that there are two prime goals, what’s wise to do and what’s not wise to do. What are the good habits to learn, and what are the typical bad habits to avoid?”
Just as many things in life, a relationship doesn’t have to be on the rocks to be improved. In fact, quite the opposite is true. Many happy couples can still benefit from small adjustments and reflections. Whether it’s at work or perhaps a hobby, as humans, we learn new things in order to improve.
As relationships evolve and day to day life becomes routine, it can get a little easier to take your partner for granted. Andreas explains that in these circumstances, communication is key. “It’s hardest when you’re in a relationship where you’re used to not talking about anything. You may come from families with stiff upper lips, and you talk about the practicalities of everyday life.”
He goes on to say that it is how you approach the discussion, which is vital. A conversation that starts with ‘we need to talk’ sounds too severe and serious. Leading the conversation with a request to spend time together and an easy open attitude will be met with a like for like response.
There are many simple ways in which relationships can be improved upon. Even the busiest of couples can find the time to build and grow.
Being interested in your partner’s life and hobbies is a fantastic way to improve communication and satisfaction. The responsibility is on both of you, if you feel as though you’d like to spend more time with your partner, try taking an interest in their hobby by asking them questions about it.
Andreas says that showing unprecedented interest in your partner will make them more interested in talking to and spending time with you. This can help to open the door to further communication, encouraging both you and your partner to talk about yourselves and your feelings.
Andreas shares his best advice that can help you and your partner to reconnect, “give each other a seven-second hug in the morning and say goodbye in a nice way, and do it again in the afternoon when you get home from work. It will take you 70-seconds a week but if you have 70-seconds to spare on your relationship, then that time is well invested.”
Time can also be well spent by just enjoying everyday tasks. Most of us have dinner together, and this can be the perfect time to spend with each other. Make sure you focus your attention on your partner, this means taking a break from screens such as television and smartphones using the time to talk about your day, interests and feelings.
For couples counselling online, Remainly is a video-based advice service led by Andreas who has spent years advising partners on a broad range of topics. Our videos can be viewed in the comfort of your own home and on your own timescale. We divide our advice into pathways, each with a different goal that can help you to build your relationship for a happy and fulfilling life.
Challenges arise in every relationship and overcoming them is made easier if you and your partner agree that couples therapy may be worth a try. Here’s how to approach the subject.