Why do we always argue? How to avoid repetitive arguments in a relationship
Some couples find themselves trapped in a loop of repetitive arguments that never get resolved. We explore how you can stop such arguments in your relationship.
Communication is a vital part of our lives. Knowing when your communication is good or bad can be tricky, and most of us are unfamiliar with how we should be expressing our thoughts and feelings.
Sparse but consistent communication could fix many issues that arise between couples. However, this is often overlooked in relationships because until a problem arises, why talk? Wrong! By building rapport, couples can avoid future arguments by learning how to work together and communicate effectively.
If you are looking for relationship counselling, our online video service could be the perfect solution. Here at Remainly, we support couples in developing their communication skills through our specialised pathways service.
Before you choose to start your journey with us, take a look at how poor communication harms a relationship.
You may be thinking, what is good communication? Healthy and constructive communication develops from attentive listening and emotional support. For more information about this, take a look at how you can improve your communication.
If you are curious to know the signs of poor communication and understand their effects on a relationship, discover how to recognise them below!
The most significant effect of poor communication is feeling distant from your partner. By not regularly talking to your partner about either big or small issues, couples can become disconnected from one another.
In turn, this can cause feelings of thinking you are irrelevant, insignificant or unattractive. Ultimately, it can create a sense of rejection or resentment between partners.
Both an attribute to, and a consequence of, poor communication is misinterpretation.
Misinterpretation often arises when confusing the action and perception of events. An example would be believing your partner called you ‘lazy’ when they may have just asked if you were making dinner tonight.
Our lead counsellor Andreas labels these types of repetitive arguments based on past occurrences as The History Trap. It is a continuous cycle of repetitive arguing about past events which may or may not have happened.
An enormous consequence of The History Trap is destructive arguments over seemingly insignificant occurrences. A more considerable concern that hasn’t been effectively communicated is often at play, which creates a cycle of smaller arguments.
Another example is if you are concerned about if your partner is still in love with you. Instead of constructively discussing the apprehension, it reveals itself problematically in petty arguing. For more information, take a look at Andreas’ explanation of The History Trap in our interview.
Making assumptions based on what you ‘think’ you know or how you expect your partner to react to conversations can be detrimental to your relationship and is an example of poor communication through lack of listening.
It is common for most of us to assume we know our partner best, perhaps even more than they know themselves, and the fabricated image we create of them can interrupt the reality of how we perceive their thoughts and feelings.
Instead, it is essential to carefully listen to the words they use before assuming or unfairly interpreting what their thoughts and feelings are. Trying to view them from a fresh perspective is one of the first steps in improving communication through attentive listening. Remainly can you support you in learning these skills.
Accusations and blaming comments are another symptom and result of poor communication.
Accusatory phrases such as ‘you did’, ‘you always’, ‘you never’ are basic and common examples of blame. It reveals a couple who are holding one another accountable for past mistakes or misinterpretations.
Instead of looking at the here and now, past (and irrelevant) examples are brought into the argument. Blame gets in the way of finding a solution to a problem and may consume the attempt at dialogue. Consequently, it creates and reaffirms a negative picture of their partner based on past events which may have been misinterpreted.
With a decrease in communication comes a lack of intimacy. Intimacy thrives from consistent communication which offers a sense of security and solidifies feelings of trust and closeness.
Without regular pleasant discussions, problem sharing, compliments and planning, it is harder for couples to retain or develop their bond.
Without time dedicated to discussing aspirations of the near or far future, it is hard to know if you are on the same page as a couple. This uncertainty can ignite a sense of fear which can drive couples apart or result in the avoidance of talking about the future.
If you are not communicating, it is highly likely you are also not dedicating quality time to one another.
You may not want to due to the fear of getting into yet another argument, and the fact that you haven’t made time for one another only heightens feelings of resentment.
If you are looking to improve your relationship by enhancing your communication skills, Remainly is here to help.
Our video-based service covers a broad range of topics, offering support and advice to couples hoping to improve their relationship. Accessible anywhere in the world, you can register independently or take the journey together.
All sessions can be completed in your own time at a pace that suits you.
Challenges arise in every relationship and overcoming them is made easier if you and your partner agree that couples therapy may be worth a try. Here’s how to approach the subject.